This is going to be weird.

As much of a bitch you may think I am, this is the first time in my life that I face the situation I am into right now.

So 3 out 4 coworkers think I am like a disease, and they are doing what they can not just to avoid me, but to make my life very difficult in meetings. By saying that I guess one may think they are the unhealthy ones, but by numbers one may think I am the one doing the things wrong. And yes, there is that one person that still seems to like me...

I don't know how it started. And people now tells me not to think too much about it. I never liked the 2 americans. One of them thinks she can cry her way out of grad school, and possibly make others do her job. The other one is the quiet type... like those small dogs that come near you very quietly, and just when you can run, they bark and bite. So about them... they annoy me, but I didn't care nor I care now whether they liked me or not. It's the third person the one that bothers me...

We used to be friends. And nothing really happened. No argument. No difference. No nothing. Nothing. Just one day she started hanging out with the other 2, and then the next day she was not talking to me. None of them answer my work-related emails, and I am at the point where I think all I can do is hold my breath because I am about to be out of here anyway.

And some say they are just jealous. They saw me set my goals, and they see me being successful about them. And yes, I am being successful about the stuff I had planned for long: getting out of school with a good study and apparently even a good job. And some have told me now, they are scared I am taking their chances, I am taking what is theirs, and they don't know what to do, cos they know I deserve it anyway...

I work with them, bu from now on, I truly will just stay quiet like some of them do. No sharing my ideas, no putting work on making the grant work... nothing. I will just do the stuff I have to do to keep my back safe... cos I know they will screw me if they can. The meetings... they are hell. Things were getting worse and worse, but now they don't even care about pretending. They are bitching at me as much as they can and in front of anyone.

One may wonder that if I started this post by accepting maybe I am doing something wrong, then I should concentrate on trying to fix things. I have no idea what I did wrong though, so what to fix? I am too old too, should I really try to change myself now.

My only friend told me today: you have 6 to 8 meetings to go, and 2 class sessions with teachers. Eight observations and school, 16 field notes to write, and I am out. So I think from now on I will just mark things down in the calendar, hold my breath, and hope they just bitch and don't take it another level... A level I can't imagine, but there is always another inferno circle, right?

posted by Paula at 2:56 AM


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