It was nice seeing my friends and spending some time at my aunt´s house.

Luis, really nice seeing you. Great pics to post. And I wish I could post the movies... man!

I also had dinner with the teachers of one of the schools I worked for. It was nice. Too many people thoug, I had to tell the same stpries a 100 times.

My brother.... it has been specially nice seeing him. I think he´s doing better.... and I hope he will continue that path. I have some stuff about him, but that will go on the section I am afraid I will have to post once I´m back in AZ.

To my surprise, I say "back home" refering to AZ. Do I have a home after all? Nha.... It never felt like that. It had potencial.... till I knew I was always going to be alone there.

Detail: he told me today "do you still think about that?", like 4 years can be erased in 2 month. Maybe if I had drawn myself in alcohol and surronded by cheap boys it would have worked... It looks like it worked for him. Lucky him, that can convert 4 to 6 years of his life in nothing.

posted by Paula at 5:41 PM


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Well, I just wanted to write sth in here.

Things are exactely as I thought they would be.

I will ask you, Ana, at some point, to create another section of my blog for randomness, cos I´m writing them on paper now, and I know at some point I wanna have it in here.

Uruguay stuff.... itt´s all good. But part of me is not here. It sucks so bad. I can´t explain it. I need to do things, cos I can´t stop and think. Thinking seems to be bad. Knowing..... bad too. I never said anything like this before. I was always up for truth, knowledge and thinking. And now I find myself here.

posted by Paula at 2:02 PM


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Ah, so many changes of adresses. So many changes of attitudes. So many changes of plans. This blog has seen them all since 2004.

Ana

You are great, you know?
I love my blog, and you made it so much better for me. Thank you for always come and message me. Thank you for always wish me the best.
Sometimes it amazes me how right you seem to be all the time. I didn't like some things you said to me, and it scared me that they might be true... And they were. And you saw it right from the beginning.
I love you girl. It's never too late to say it, and you never say it enough.

I don't wanna show off but...

I went to see my advisor to day. I wanted to say goodbye. So I went to his office and he didn't let me say anything, he said: "your exam was excelent. You got 23 out of 20. In my 20 years of carrer I haven't given that many extra points more than 3 times. This shows what a great teacher you are". And he added: "I don't believe in God, but I think there must have been some divine intervention that brought you here to us."
Who couldn't be happy after hearing that from someone that admires?!

And that only means I have 2 A's out of 4. I'm still waiting for the other grades. I will probably have to wait till next week.

Goodbye to my students.

They were very nice. They had little speeches for me. Told me how much they learnt from me, and how much they enjoyed the class. It was nice. I was invited to go out for dinner with them, but then I had other plans, so I had to say no. It was cute though. It's like when last week I got this mail from one of my teenager students from Minas telling me that "math is not the same since youa re gone".

My keys.

I lost them! I actually left them in the classroom where I teach, and I only noticed it when I got home. So I had to go back to campus. And I was lucky to find the man that cleans, cos there's no one in campus now. But he was nice, he always is, and opened the room for me and I got them back. (No era cierto by No te va gustar sounds on my speackers now, very convenient).
Because I had to waste time on that, not apt searching. Tawni will have to do it by herself. Oh well, I truste her anyway.
Instead, we went for dinner together. God I had such a great dinner, that right now it feels like I won't need to eat for days.

My real job interview.

It was different than expected. I thought it was gonna be more informal. I did well anyway. I have several advantages. I am already working for them, I am a teacher and Laida likes me... maybe cos I'm latina, who knows?! Anf yes, I have Katie there, who I'm sure will put a good word for me anyway.
So I sat there and answere questions for Katie, Dawn (who is a teacher for the project right now), Laida and another woman who I don't know, but who playes the same role than Laida. Funny thing: Katie and Laida were telling the rest things about me that I should have been telling myself! Like the fact I taught this semester in college.
My answeres? Right to the point. I just thought about me teaching old my students except when they ask about kindergarden.
I will probably have to work out the inconvenience of not having a car to go to work. But if they give me enough hours, who knows? right?

And now....

And now I'm exhausted.
Very tired about today, about this last week, about the semester, about both semester, and very specially about the last 2 months. Those 2 really took a lot of energy and life out of me. But fuck all that. I'm going home tomorrow!

I am going home tomorrow!

Edit on Friday morning.

I already know I have 3 A's out of 4!
See you from Uruguay!

posted by Paula at 3:18 AM


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Today I just found a heart shaped pic of me and him, and without thinking much, I tear it into pieces and throw it away. It was in my agenda, and I never really notice it. But today I was giving my agenda to Miguel so he could put his number and mail, and then saw it. So I just did it. No regrets after it, and I am surprised too. Not that it means much.

Because this attitude won't really help me, I'm committed to change.

Too bad I have to.

He.... We can'r even talk about the weather. I'm sorry it had to end like this. I never really thought about how it could end, but he was always so nice... I never thought one day we weren't going to be able to even talk. And that is sad. Not that I think ex couples could be friends, but I thought that I was going to be able and remember the good things. I thought I was going to be able to tell the story. But now... everything is irony.

Things are getting in place.... Lots of different things.

I have things almost ready. Tomorrow is my last day here for a while.

posted by Paula at 1:52 AM


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I still have a day as a teacher though, so I'm not over-over, but almost.... And it feels good.

The final... I can't tell for sure, but I feel like saying it was a complete success. I really think I did pretty well. I remember last time, during midterms, I went outside that final (and the one of the psychology class), having that same feeling. I don't know if I ever said it, but that was the day my sweet ex-bf chose to break up with me. And I ended up with A's in both classes. I do think I did well in both classes this time again, and I won't have any extra pain thig time.

I also prepare my bags. I can't believe they only let us take 25 kilos. That's nothing. My life might fit in a bad... or 2, but definately only if they let me put more than 25 kilos in each. So I thin i will have to re destribute, cos I have a bad ass huge bag, and it takes more than 25 kilos. So I filled it, and now I will have to take stuff to the other one. We'll see. I still need to put all these other small things that you need when you go to a place for 3 months. But at least 99% of the clothes and the presents are there now!

I went to dinner with some classmates tonight after the final, it was nice. I'm metnioning it cos I just posted pics on that section. Man, I have more than 300 pics so far. MORE THAN 300 PICS!!!!

And, to end this post, today Wayne and Nathan told me that I look like Mia sth, the actress that plays Sidney's sister in Alias. The funny thing is that Wayne said that I move, talk and look like her. So I checked it up, and it turns out this woman is from Argentina, so it makes sense. So i will have to believe what Nathan said it's true too, that she's cute. I guess I'm cute too ;-)

posted by Paula at 4:39 AM


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No much to say.

Classes are slowly getting over.

I think I didn't mention this here, and I should have...
Remeber how I said that my scholarship didn't pay me half the money? That brought me problems. Nothing I coulnd't deal with, but you know, I was concerned. I mentioned it to Carolyn (just in case, I remind you: she's Al's mom). She sent me money. She sent me a check for the rent of a month, and said that she didn't want me to be worrying, that I should concentrate on my studies. She said that I don't have to pay her back, but I will. Once I back I will have a good job. Either for 20 hours aweek or for 8. I will still have some money, and I will pay her back.
Now I have to say... again... isn't life and people weird? Or maybe not. Maybe it's just shitty situation that makes me think this kind of thing are abnormal .
Oh well, I have to say it again... Life is weird. People keep surprising me. One day that that was suppose to take care of me, kick me in my ass; and the next day, someone that could totally disappear from my life and be in her right, decides to stay. Cos you know, she sent a card, and signed "your american mom".
I wish he had more of her genes than his dad. She said that she doesn't think he can be as bad as his dad, but she admits that she can't see what I see.

Tomorrow I have a final. I think I'm ready.

On Wed I have my last councelor session for a while at least. I'm getting pretty convinced that there's nothing wrong with me, and that this would have been good to get over my feelings. But I'm flying away anyway, so I guess we'll see how that goes during my time away. And then I'll decide what to do. But it won't be like me trying to fix myself. It will be more like me trying to accept people change, and what one day was kinda and charming, the next day can be an irate jerk, and imbecile that use all his brain to hurt me.

I have to start getting ready to go too.

And oh my god, I also have to look for apt with Tawni, sth neither of us seem to be looking forward to do.

Anyway....

Did I mention life is weird?

posted by Paula at 1:10 AM


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Well, I had to change my plan list. I think it's cos some things have been mile like forever, now they feel someone else's. I really dislike that feeling, and I hope soon I can get over it, and go back to what I trully like. So I had Gustavo Cerati, and you know how much I like him, but I had to change him, cos other people (you can read there "Al") has taken him as so many other things. He did that, and he didn't even said thanks. But "thanks", "sorry", and "I was wrong" are no longer in his vocabulary anyway.

So anyway, I put Jaime Roos. Then Calle Yacaré sounded, a candombe, and things looked brighter somehow. I wanted to say what he represents, but I don't know. I mean, I wanted to make some relation like the one on the other paragraph, but I can't. Not that Al doesn't like Jaime too, but I don't know why, it's different. In the end... maybe it's always different, after all, they speak spanish, so there's only so much Al can get.

Yesterday was a shitty day. Today is not much better, but the change of music helps.

Some people can't stand to hear the truth. That same ppl seems to be unable to take responsability for what thay have done.

Hey! You! Is this too inconvenient for you? Take care then! Take care of what you've done!

posted by Paula at 6:26 PM


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It's not a matter of luck. What I have achieved I deserved it. I won it.
Do I want more? Of course.
There are different aspects of my life with different needs. I think on some of them, I have what I deserve, but in others... life is in red numbers wit me. It owes me more than it has given me. I deserve better.

And talking about what each one of us deserves.... Al lost his job. Looks like the company he worked with went to bankrupcy or sth.
Take that as you wish.
Does he deserve it? Is life being unfair to him? I don't know. I know he has been unfair in the past to me. That's how much I know.

And talking about him, cos I can't take him off my mind, I'm afraid he might be more like his father as I thought he was, and as I wanted him to be. God. That's so not good... not even for him... specially for him. He has a degree at least, but... is that the only difference? And, is that enough of a difference? Certainly not for women around them.
Maybe I'm wrong. Let's hope I am.

I have to study. I can't today. It's been a fucking Saturday. I scaped from the bajón during the week, and it cought me today. Al helped, of course! I can talk to him one night, and he's alright. He looks like the guy I knew. Then, a few hours after that, he's an asshole, the person I was talking in the last paragraph.

I have a midterm on Tues. The last one. My advisor's class. I have to do well, and I think I will no matter how hard I have to study tomorrow, or how much I won't do it. I like that class, and I always do well.

Then I have to figure out my living situation. And then I have to pack. I want to do it sometimes, and some other times I just... I don't want to do anything.

I'm sick and tired.
I'm so fucking sick and tired.
I will never have some things I dreamed about. I know that for sure. It's biology almost.

I'm fucking screwed, sick and tired.

posted by Paula at 1:42 AM


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I still don't know what makes a day worse than another. I do wonder, cos maybe if I knew, I could control that. But no. Somedays flow nicely. Some others have surprise waiting for me... maybe yesterday can be considered one of those, though it was not a big deal. Some others... are so slow.... or fast? Are they too fast that I can't achieve anything on them?

I'm listenging to Limp Bizkit and Linking Park. Angry songs. Angry music. And when Iget toenjoy the answer... then I remember. These songs take me to another time. So I'm not angry anymore. I'm just... sad. Yeah, cos that's what's fashionable now. Sadness.

posted by Paula at 11:41 PM


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I have been wanting to post a few things for days, and because they are not related to anything else, I have forgotten over and over.

To those hanging out with big fat red haired sac of lies: careful! You never know when you will see the other face. Yep, people with 2 faces take advantage of those naive ones. Specially when they feel they are no longer naive.

Nadia told me a say from Tunez: Keep your bad so you don't fall on your worse.

Then other day, when I was listening to Santana and Rob Thomas' Smooth, I told her that I wanted a guy that would say those things to me, and MEAN them. And she said sth like (cos I have forgotten): Those men only live in songs. They know how to talk about love, but they don't know how to love it.

I'm done with 2 of 3 finals.

I'm having the money problems I mentioned yesterday. Fuck them! When you think there's no possible way things can go worse...

I'm done for today, still enjoying my Paul Auster book, The New York Trilogy

posted by Paula at 1:08 AM


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I don't know what to talk about.

I think I can still be in between of what I want and what I can. Meeting positiblities and dreams half the way. That wY I don't have to feel like I am... conforming. I hate that. I don't like to conform. I like to fight for more... always, in any aspect of my life.

So today was workers day. Of course, not in America. They might be afraid people will remember another trial that was a failure. And you know, that one was in 1886, but fraudulent trials are everyday stuff here. Or maybe they don't want to awake workers, cos some still work under slavery. Oh well. So the rest of the world celebrated... and we didn't. I took a minute of my class today, to remind all americans about it. As i was expecting, they didn't know. SO I got tot alk about Chicago events. But if you wanna know more, go here
And to end this paragraph, the words of August Spies: "The time will come when our silence will be more powerful than the voices you strangle today."

So today I had a presentation... my teaching model poster presentation. Nothing that was too difficult. Then again I wonder what I will get on it. I mean, it seemed like a very easy thing to do, no effort. So I wonder if it was that I missed sth. Oh well, I hope I get an A anyway ;-)

Had a very weird dream last night. But a pleasant one, the kind you don't talk about in your blog. Too bad the phone rang and woke me up :-(

And tomorrow I have the Psychology final. That's gonna be sth. I just finished the paper on how I think people learn. We will see. This final time reminds me of my last midterm time... not so happy times for me though I got A's on all of my classes.

And let me end telling you that the scholarship people screw me over: they payed me half the montly stipend. That was the money I expected to use to pay for the rent during the time I'll be in Uruguay. So now... I have no idea what I will do. And I haven't heard from the job people either so... Money problems.... I guess at least those are normal and at certain level you can control them. Cross your fingers for me on this one.

posted by Paula at 2:53 AM


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