Yes, I did it again. I m tired... No, I am exhausted. My roomate broguth 4 friends... the cutest turks ever, to help moving. And they helped, and I am not sure what I would have done without them.

I had to take a cold showered this morning though, cos we didn't figured out the hot water switch. Fixed.

We have no internet, and I wonder when we are gonna get it back. So I guess I'll be moving to my office at ASU. Thanks for the office Dr. B.

Papers... they are coming, but who knows about the quality. In a week it will all be gone... thankfully!

The other craziness? Still there, thank you for asking. Of course it is still there. Don't I love that? I am accepting and embracing it in a way that scares me every time. I see myself starting and proposing things that I never thought I could do before. I wonder where is this all gonna end. I better stop trying to picture that, cos it's scary.

posted by Paula at 3:29 AM


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And I am not loving my roommate right now.

1) It's those days in the months...

2) He is so irresponsible.

I am not sure if he thinks I will be packing all of the "common" stuff we have, and cleaning the stuff he has been messing up, but let me tell you one thing: IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

Other than that...

I am also writing one of my papers. It seemed to be going well, but I was lazy and stopped to listen to The Beatles... And not I am feeling guilty, so I better go.

posted by Paula at 4:08 AM


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I came to talk, but not much. There are things that for security, is better to just never talk about them. I don't have many secrets in my life, but I guess this is going to be one of them.

He made me break another boundary, and I happily did it. Not only that, but I seem to be more engage in my perversion now that he ever was.

And enough of that. Luckily, I'll be able to find my way back when I need to... and I know I will need to.

He has been around and really present like never before. Calling. Mailing. Messaging. And coming.

Nice.

And now, enough about that too.

I was thinking about my family somehow.

When i was in Uruguay, I didn't see one of my friends. I got really pissed at him, cos he owed me a favor, and he barely said thanks for it. Never called. Never came. Never show up.

Months went by, and I know how to say goodbye to someone without regrets. He seemed to have done the same, and that was fine by me.

The other day he messaged me. He was upset with me for the same reasons I was upset with him: he said I disappeared, and even when he called me twice during my month in Uruguay, I never replied or appeared.

Things with my friend were clear, and we are as good as we always have been. And that made me happy, cos everyone knows how important he has been in my life. Daniel: you know I love you.

So he called twice and no one told me. And I still need to talk to that people to know why they never said anything about it. Specially when ppl asked if I had seen him, and I said that I was upset with him. And they fed my anger by saying how he was so inconsiderate and things of the sort.

I talked to my mom the other day, and told her about the whole thing. I highlighter the fact that no one ever told me (from that house my friend called, where I do regularly get calls from friends in my new situation of a visitor in my country) that he had called. And my mom... she didn't even payed attention to that, she was still implying that my friend was an asshole.

How can she be so blind? Family is first, I get that. But if they screwed up, I don't say you have to curse them, but you have to acknowledge it.

And I have no idea why, but that was what I was thinking.

It was a good day today. I got up and put The Beatles. Meetings went well. Class was fast. M was awesome. I also had the company of friends... Now I only need to sleep.

posted by Paula at 5:28 AM


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So if you thought I was going to talk about you... you lier, you are wrong this time.

I said the truth, and I got my boss all mad at me. He wanted to "trick" this people. And By "trick" i guess we all know I mean "deceive".

Again I came to the conclusion that for this job, I better don't think. No matter how intellectual this work is, it's much better if you just perform as a robot. It's kinda like being in the military, you just do as you are told.

But in this case, I wasn't told to lie. Of course not! No one will ever tell you to bluntly lie! So I assume to tell the truth was better. Do we want to get their trust or not?

And now I look like an ass... but for a short period of time, cos when these teachers get to hear what he has to say to them, then they will know who they can trust. Funny thing, it will be no good for anyone. Cos I won't be there 100%, just the 5% that takes to do what they want me to do.

Fuck. I will just have to do my thing and screw this. I gotta remind myself of this every once in a while. I was so convinced about it before starting... and then you get all excited about "the project", and you wanna do more and better... But in the end, it's just a job, and I better stick to that description. It's not my life, it's not even my dissertation.. it's just a job.

posted by Paula at 2:08 AM


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A couple of pics of the past days, that aren't in my other section... yet.

Probably in the opposite order:

# With Jeong Oak at what can be called "the Barbie allie". And Brandon is on the background, looking like such a perv/stalker

# Taking advantage of Dama, who had fell asleep on the floor.

# On the top of Hayden Library, with Younsu, Jeong Oak, and Brandon.

posted by Paula at 12:21 AM


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So no much to report. Till a couple of minutes ago, I thought later I had a juicy post to write. But no luck. Although not everything on that dpt is bad. But anyway... can't complaint. I am not feeling well (health-wise), and I am better off in bed reading about validity of interviews. Gosh, I do sound like an old lady... I am still younger than him.

So I am listening/watching this debate about god and religion. Very interesting. I want to recommend it. Click here. It's Hitchens vs Olasky. My roommate just told me that Hitches, my guy here, was at ASU a month ago... and I missed him! He wrote a book called "God is not that great: how religion poisons everything", and let me tell you is in my list of things to red during this summer.

Anyway...

A little bit disappointed about how the evening went. A little bit surprised for some questions I have been object of. A little bit flattered for some weird rights of doubtful nature... I will have to go and read... or maybe listen to these 2 men again, and then go and read about interviews...

posted by Paula at 12:12 AM


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... at least I have seen he can keep his word... and that is more than I can tell about many men I've known. Because he can keep it, that is why he never gives it. Get it?

I will be seeing him soon... cos he craves me whether he likes it or not. That kinda puts us on the same page for a millisecond.

I shouldn't see him ever again. He is dangerous. Even Daniel, with all his odd-air surrounding him told me to just stop seeing him for my sake. Gosh, he was so scared he even suggested to call the police. The funny thing is I just told my friend Viviana to do the same thing, cos his ex is threatening her to kill her if he sees her with someone else. And the reason why I know she won't call anyone, it's cos I know she feels she knows him, and that "he" can't be "that" kind of man. Funny... I know I am in the exact same spot.

Earlier today, when I was angry (that I am not anymore), I wrote this for him:

Usually I wonder what a man like you does on his weekends. And then i realize, that what I am very likely to like about you, it's everything you are not.

When a day out in the desert, sinking trucks in a river, and hiking mountains is really fun, there is so much of making dogs fight one person can take.

Also, judging for those pics I saw and I shouldn't have, it doesn't seem to me you are as... sophisticated as I thought you were. Nothing wrong with no wine tasting every weekend... and I wasn't thinking that you were surrounded by artists... of any kind. It's just that the places and people around you seemed so.... ordinary.

Interesting.

It's incomplete though. I know how mad he'd get. Who knows what I'd be bringing upon myself.. And then again, that thought is tempting.

posted by Paula at 2:41 AM


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I am not sure why I put that title. I know where everybody is. And I know I could reach 99% of them, and of course, I only want to reach that other 1%. So that is it. Nothing has changed... or maybe I just feel a little worse than yesterday. And I was naive enough to think I was going to comehere, write, and then feel better. It's not working, so I better go.

posted by Paula at 9:25 PM


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How much productive can I be today anyway? I better write a fair amount during the hours left, cos otherwise I know I will be pissed. And it's not about missing a great night out. I know I would have enjoyed the company, cos these people is really nice and friendly. It's not about that, it's about something else. That same thing that piss me off everything, and that it's burning me inside as I type. And of course, because of that, I won't be able to write and be productive. So this is a bad circle stage where I can't win. I hate this.

posted by Paula at 2:04 AM


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Finally a productive day.

I didn't have to kill myself or anything, and quiet early in the day I had finished what I wanted to finish. Of course I have a million things to do tomorrow. But I also plan to take it easy... just like today, cos today worked.

And I took just a little sun.

And I went swimming at night. Hot tub, cold pool, hot tub again, and of course, cool pool once more. Nice.

And yes, some extra peace of mind too. That was nice. Not too nice, don't let me fool you. But a little nice is better that not nice at all, right?

Damn it! I need to change.

posted by Paula at 5:19 AM


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Many will turn around and wonder if I am talking to them if they hear me saying that. And they will only do that,cos they know they are guilty.

Here I am again.

My other blog it's not private anymore. Did I mention my issue in NY with my uruguayan friend?

Well, this 56 years old man, who I didn't see as a father, cos my father is... younger (!), made a few very uncomfortable comments. But it only takes one, right?

-Why couldn't I find you 30 years ago?
-Cos I was barely born (with a tone that you could see I was VERY annoyed)
-I should have taken a look in cradles.
-Where that is just creepy (with a freaked out tone).

I made sure not to spend more time with him till Carolyn was there. And even then, I instructed Brandon to ve overly familiar.

He got it. He asked. And he got his answer.

He tried to explain. Said he was sorry. That he knew he sounded like a freak. That that was not what he meant. And rant about being brothers... or having a connection he only had with his death brother...

WHATEVER!

I only deal with the freaks I am turned on by. It is the truth, and these days I am up to say the truth. So yes, I put up with M, but I won't put up with you, FREAK!

So my attitude has changed, and he knows it, and I think he is cool with it.. he has to. But I did made the mistake of giving him the address to my other blog (that was never the main one anyway, everything there is here, but not everything here is there), and now I don't feel like venting about certain things (like M) there.

So today is one of those days.

I am in the point of almost regret.... Oh well, not really.

I am in the point where I asked myself why does he has to be such a jerk. Did I mention that no one seems to like him? It seems that is only me, and I know I like him because of the weird (extremely weird) chemistry we have.

I shouldn't even be thinking of all this shit now. Finals are coming. No, I don't have test... I just have like a million papers to turn in. I'm working on them, today was a particularly productive day.

And yes, I am also already thinking seriously for the first time about my dissertation. Damn! I am gonna be a doctor! Isn't that amazing?!

I won't give up the dissertation topic away.. but I talked about it with my mentor, and he liked it. And that reminds me of another freak...

I feel bad to call him a freak, but what's up with these men?!

My old mentor, the one that left. The one whose wife was jealous of me. That one. He mailed me saying that my NY pics where really nice, and something else about his projects in his new college. he detail though: I never sent him the link to my blog to see those pics. He must have kept it when I posted the one of my master graduation. And apparently, he keeps going.

My subject? If you wonder to who it goes... I think it goes to the world in genera.

Could you please stop doing that to me? It is really annoying, and sometimes... hurtful!

Is it to the world, or is it to myself?

posted by Paula at 1:47 AM


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So I have a long confession to make... I guess it shows through out posts though, but I need to just vent. This is THE place for that. And I know all this will sound disconnected, but it's ok, cos I can make the connections in my head, and that is ALL that matters.

I found one more jerk that I really like. I really like him a lot. And of course he is a jerk, that seems to be my kind of guy. Cos let's face it, everyone I dated was a jerk. There was one that wasn't when we started the relationship, but he became one in the process.

I have been seeing him on and off for a little bit more than a year... or is it just a year? It has never been a serious thing, and I tried hard not to get connected, but I think it's too late now, and I am so screwed.

To start, let me tell you he is 13 years older than me. I like that. He certainly doesn't look not even one year older than me. But year doesn't define him, this does: he is chauvinistic, controlling, a huge player, and a sadist... Yep, I have had my taste of "that" too.

Bad, very bad news now (as if those attributes weren't!). A month into our "relationship, I discovered there was a wife. They were not together, and as much of a lie as that sounds like, it's not. She is south american too, and often I wonder if I remind him of her a lot or what.

Now a month ago I discover there was a gf too! And I told myself that was it! Everything was already VERY fucked up, but this was too much. Yet, I haven't succeeded on that.

Yesterday he came and we spent the night together. I am so insane, that I actually comforted him cos his gf broke up with him, o cos he had to break up with her, not sure.

He has nothing good on him. He is all pain. He is so much trouble. He is tortured and wanna torture me. He want to "break" me as he had said. And he want to corrupt me. And he is doing it. He is getting there so easily makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

He comes here, and after he takes all the anger out with me, he becomes more... mellow... Not mellow, just less mean. This old man can cuddle like no other I knew, and I wanted to get out of that, he asked "where do you think you are going?".

I don't know.... Lie. I do know. I just don't wanna know.

posted by Paula at 2:04 AM


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Yes. I do. I have told everyone around that I don't, but I do. I just am tired of discussing the same issue, and I really have nothing new to say, so I rather pretend that I don't know what is going on. But I know why I don't wanna get up. I know why I don't wanna study, read, write, or whatever. I know why I am so distractable. And ultimately, I know why I am sad. I was tempted to say "depressed", but I won't exaggerate or even label myself. I know once you label yourself, you are screwed, so I rather keep the "sad" label. That one is easier to remove.

I took a desition. It was a good one. I knew that not only I had to do it, but I also was gonna benefit from possible information I was gonna get out of the experiment. Of course the definition of "benefit" changes over time... At first I thought that "knowledge" was a benefit... as usual, once you get the knowledge, I am not so sure about it being a good thing. Like Gabriel Garcia Marquez said in Love in the time of Cholera: knowledge comes when it's good for nothing.

So I got my knowledge, I was strong, I did as I planned... Why am I so miserable? Why I have discover I was right on the first place, and that doesn't make me any happier" Why? Why is this so hard? When is it gonna end? Why am I not the only one but still there is so many people having it so much better than I do? WHY?!

It pisses me off. It pisses me off so much!

posted by Paula at 9:52 PM


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... in case you are here and bored, that I have just uploaded a whole bunch of pics in the other section. You see, i went to NY a couple of weeks ago, and I had a blast. AERA was the reason of my visit, and the conference was not bad itself. When I don't have pics of the sessions... I am afraid they would have kicked me out if I would have started taking pics, but let me tell you: 3 sessions that I went to, where worth the trouble I guess, I do have pics of the other fun stuff I got to do. So please, enjoy.

posted by Paula at 7:09 AM


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