And in case someone out there think I have gone crazy, I am taking about my blog.

Notes on Facebook:

This is for you.

One day, 10, 15 or 20 years from now, we will hopefully look back at tonight events. We'll remember the things we said, and probably we'll share those we didn't. Then, we will either laugh endlessly... or shed a tear.

I need a safety net.


Now here, where I can say what I really think...

I am very upset with myself for putting me in a vulnerable situation again. Very upset for all the crying. I could hit myself for so many things around those issues... But I don't, cos I am more upset with him.

I am so sad that he doesn't care at all. That he is so common. That he is so ordinary. Yes. That is the word. Ordinary.

I am not even enjoying something that I am doing this semester and that was supposed to be all about fun. I hate it! I had brought me pain indirectly, and I will bring a lot more. Today was almost unbearable. I wanted to run and cry. But I waited. I have all the night for that. Can I? Can I cry till I sleep?

posted by Paula at 1:09 AM


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And that is not always a bad thing.

I won't go through any of the things that had happened since last time I wrote.

I will tell though, that my life is pretty much about school now. It is ok to be that way. I realized (in a more "sudden" way that it should have been), that I am almost done with my course work, and that means that I need to work on my dissertation. And words like "dissertation", "collect data", and "research project", were never a huge part of my vocabulary, so I am in a little bit of a shock.

I also need to say that I think I finally broke the chains (cos that what they were) that tied me to M. It's done. I don't miss him. I have a bad feeling when I think about him. It's plain fear... But it's not as bad as it sounds. It's only fear to what could have happened. It's fear to have been that stupid. I think I am good now. And I really think I learned.

But like do I say things are weird? Cos they are! :P

So "we" look more like "them" than "us". There is not enough courage, and somehow it appears is better that way. Things are very contradictory... Day to day a new incoherence. Tonight, one more.

It was nice though. It started like a tear, but it finished like a laughter.

Oh... maybe all this chaos will bring one or two little good things to my life. I am waiting for them with my arms open... But I am doing that while sitting in my comfortable chair. I am not going out of my way this time. I am not exposing myself. I have always done that, and apparently, it doesn't work. So this time... I am sorry baby, I am not standing up.

posted by Paula at 8:29 AM


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posted by Paula at 3:12 AM


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I don't know why people watch soap 0pheras. If they aren't leaving one, like me, then all they need to do, it's look around. And I think the chances they have a friend going through one, are high.

Not only I notice Baykal's change when his roommate came, but also Didem's.

Then, the short break up with Hakan, such a nice lovely boy, and today we talked and... I think I am right. I asked about someone else, and she said she was confused... So there is someone else. One only says he or she is confused, when they know they answer and doesn't want to admit it. She didn't say it was him, but I will wait and see. She better be smart about it, this big guy cute and all, won't be fair to her.

About me? I got up sad. Yesterday at 22:30 my eyes were closing, but I wasn't home, so I had to hold it till 2:00. I slept like a rock. Got up at 14:00. Not good. I was feeling tired and sleepy (no wonder after sleeping 12 hours). I ate something and went back to bed.... For about 2 more hours. Not bad again.

I'm getting ready to go out of the house and see people. I'll take a cold shower for 2 reasons: hoping it will help me wake up, and as a punishment for sleeping so much.

posted by Paula at 9:54 PM


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I wouldn't know where to start.

And I am so tired. This is the second week of the semester, so that means it's actually the first one I am doing something.

Things got bad with B. Then good. Then bad. Then really bad. And that is where they stay.

M is out of the pic... I took him out. But I have done that before, so this is nothing to brag about.

Carolyn came to visit me. We had a good time. Went to Flagstaff, visit a Volcano crater, and then, the main course: Grand Canyon. Sadly it rained. Amazing enough, it was not just a rain down there as it was for us up there. It destroyed the trail I was supposed to hike in October, and that sucks. Evacuated people, trail and campig site reduced to ruins... crazy.

I saw my first crazy and awesome monsoon. I don't think I have words to describe it. Wind (they said 70 mph here in Tempe); lightning that never stop, and I am not making that up; hail, rain, fallen trees, power out... it was a big deal.

A was able to say "NO" to a total push over. Normally I put myself through some pain while I try to be polite and show my case... So it takes time, but I get my point passed. This time I figured I was too old to be polite. I know age has nothing to do with that, but I needed an excuse to get that over with. And I did. And I did it over again, cos some people only understand when you have been really rude.

And on the good side...

I have my own computer. First time ever. Can you believe that? So long since I "work" with computers, who would have thought this mac book would be my first computer. And with it, at not charge, a nice i pod touch... HAPPY !

With that said, i am going to bed.

posted by Paula at 4:22 AM


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