Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I'm fucking tired.
And you should know, that one day, when you don't even have the fancy job you want, or even if you do, you will realize that like my friend said "your career doesn't keep your feel warm at night."And you think you are so independent. And you don't like people. And not only you don't mind being alone, but you actually like it. I have news for you: BULLSHIT! You are the more social little boy I know. You love being with your friends. And when you are not with them, you are with me. Actually...
You spend a horrible amount of time with me for being someone that likes being alone. You break your own rules of solitude so much for me, that I must be fucking special. I am not. I know. But you need me more than you say.
posted by Paula at 10:20 PM|
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Who is the biggest idiot?
Of course I am. I am really tired today. I haven't been sleeping or eating well for 4 days. All I do is think how to change the unchangeable.
Another conversation. Another ending that is promising... It promises nothing really. Everything is so empty.
He shits on my dreams. He tells me in my face how little he cares. He is clear that the center of his world, it is himself. Then he changes strategy.
Then the problem is me. I have done things wrong. Made him doubt where we could go. Made him lose confidence, peace of mind, happiness. So now, I must suffer. It's no one fault.
LIE!
It is my fault. He doesn't say it, but that is what he means. He shits in the things we have done that are meaningful to me.
But then again, he promised... didn't he? What did he promise? I can't tell... I can't remember... It was not clear.
He feels the same way about what he promised...
Result: He is out with friends. I am fucking my brain (his expression), trying to figure out how to carry on with my life.
posted by Paula at 12:21 AM|
Friday, March 19, 2010
Please, tell me I didn't.
Have I made the same mistake again?I can't believe this.
Another lier? He lied to me and sank himself so bad last night. He went down and down and down in his lie. And when he couldn't go further down, I told and showed what I knew.
He got mad, bla bla bla. Of course he had no reasons. Only accusations with no proofs. I don't do stupid things, like he does, so there is nothing that can be said against me. I didn't even wanna get into the lie in particular. I think I knew what happened there, so no need for him trying to defend himself of that, when there is nothing he can actually say. So I went to what mattered to me.
Our relationship sucks this way. Whatever it is that we are both doing to screw it up, we have to stop it if we plan to make it work and project something valuable for the future. And then I heard it: there is no intentions of projecting or planning in him. I am nothing, but the current killing time activity.
No, he didn't not say it with those words, but you gotta trust me, that is what it is. If all we have is something for this very moment, and the plan of dissolving it the minute we graduate, then we have nothing. And then I am worth nothing.
"I love you", he had said, he said last night, and he repeated it once more. But apparently love is no more than a couple of hours together. He talked about "my definition of love" and "his definition of love". Is there such a thing? I thought that if as he said, he loved me, and thus he likes spending time with me, bla bla bla, then it is ok to plan for the future.
I don't expect a document today. I don't mean he needs to commit to me today for the rest of his life... But isn't is normal that at this point, if we love each other, we can plan what is going to happen a year from now? A year from now things have to be defined, cos we are both going to be graduated, and we are both going to have to move. So would that be together or not?
Oh, and the detail: no trip to Turkey for me. That would be crossing to many lines maybe? I have no idea. But that day dream about meeting his family (like he met mine!), that is not gonna happen. Period.
So what to do now?
He supposedly won't have a structure in his head about me that says "expiration date = graduation date". But can he really do that? Can he really not think of me as someone that makes him happy today, but won't tomorrow? How can he even think like that today? It is so stupid!
What do I do now?
Do I say goodbye? Where do I get the strengths to do so?
Do I stick to him and try to make things happen on my own? How can I do so when my morale is so low?
I hate my life. I dreamed last night that I jumped off a building. Maybe I should.
posted by Paula at 9:52 PM|
A sad day from left to right.
I was not sure I should write about any of this. To start with, Raul died. Danisa's dad. He was my friend as well. He was diagnosed with cancer year and a half ago, and it ate him fast.
Fuck!
Why don't other people die? I could suggest some, you know?!
He was a good man. A fun man. A young man.
And what can I do for my friend from here? Nothing. I can do nothing. Not only cos I am not there, but also cos I am useless always.
And to expand on that...
I know Baykal is telling lies. I am not sure how he is convincing himself he is not doing it, but I know he is. Period.
I don't know how bad or stupid it is. I don't know if I am maybe trying to take the weight out, so I feel better. But worst of all: I don't know what else is out there that I don't know, and that could be "heavier". And that is the point.
I am sad.
I don't know what value our relationship has anymore, and if we are going somewhere or we are not. I guess we are not... right?
I don't know if I pushed him to do this. But no matter how much I may have pushed... he should have had another option.
I am really sad. I don't want to leave my bed... and I haven't today.
Thank you very much!
posted by Paula at 2:29 AM|
Monday, March 08, 2010
I think it may be true.
| Trastorno | Grado |
|---|---|
| Paranoide | ALTO |
| Esquizoide | BAJO |
| Esquizotipico | MODERADO |
| Histrionico | MODERADO |
| Antisocial | BAJO |
| Narcisista | MODERADO |
| Limite | ALTO |
| Obsesivo | MODERADO |
| Dependiente | ALTO |
| Evitador | MODERADO |
Test de trastorno de la personalidad
|
