And tomorrow came and went. And things went good. But that talk was not an easy one. It was actually as hard as I had expected in my worse thoughts, and it was as hard as it could have gotten.

Have I learned though? I know he thinks I haven't. Actually, I know he thought there was no way I could have. He didn't say it to me. Is that validity?

Not sure what to do. No. Sure about what to do, but not sure where to get the strength to get it done. It is difficult and it shoulnd't. Am I going crazy?

Trying to take things easy... I don't think I can write anymore. But I am trying.

posted by Paula at 9:08 PM


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I just need to write to see if it helps me put my ideas in order.

I screwed it up again. I was doing good. I think it was really good. But at the same time, doing good now doesn't covering for the bad things done in the past. So no matter how god I try, the bad things remain there, uncovered.

I guess I got today what I have been fighting for so much. I got that tragic moment where everything falls donw. I went there. He took me there. He told me how tired, sad and afraid I make him sometimes. And I had no words, because he is right about all of those.

It has been me. And if I know this, can I do something to change it? Please someone say I can. I told him I can. I am not sure about it. I was there. Things always look more clear when I panic. I can see the horror right on the face, and make sense of it, and talk myself through.

But now... I think I got it figured it out. I think I know what to do, and more important: what not to do. But I am so scared. And this fear makes me do those evil things. And a part of me tells me that it's just the fear. That if I make it through, I'll be more than fine, cos now I know.

But there is another part of me that tells me that first of all... I may not make it through it. Not so much me, but him. He may no make it through it. And second... am I sure this is just the fear, and that in a couple of days things will in a position where I can control them?

I am biting my nails and eating my lips for a couple of more hours to go by.

I am putting a lot of hope on tomorrow. Maybe the conditions... away from this, will help me out.

Don't cross your fingers. Just remind me that I saw things clear, and I know what to do.

posted by Paula at 12:31 AM


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The first thing is really separated from all the rest. (It feels good to write in here again.) It is about school. This crisis may be affecting me after all. I thought things were good, but I guess I celebrated too soon. I will know for sure in a month... I hope things work. I kinda have hope they will... But in this time, and with these people... You never know.

So a couple of weeks ago, I went out with friend. I took her to see Slumdog MIllionaire, and cos her mind is so closed, she didn't really enjoyed it. I don't think she even understood it. I had given Baykal the night off. Told him to go out with his friends. I thought he would do so with his turkish friends. I had no idea what plans they had, but they are always partying. And I mean it: always. But he said that he would go for a drink with an indian friend that I also know and like. Fine by me. I went to my movie.

When it was over, and I was waiting for my friend in the theatre hall, he called me. He asked me what I was doing, and when he got his answe, he asked me to go by his house. From there we went hookah, and that made me happy.

I did wondered how come he was not with his fellow turks, so I asked if they weren't doing anything. To add to my surprise, they were all together ina fancy bar in PHX. He loves those places, so I probably asked why he was not there. He just said: "I don't wanna be there with them and without you".

The last piece here, that is maybe separate but maybe not, happened today.

These turks... they have these movie nights. They get together in some room at ASU, and they watch turk movies. I have never felt attracted to that. Turkish movies are to me pretty much like indian movies: something totally foraign with which I don't really feel identified. Nothing wrong with them, but it is a totally different reality... It is actually not even that, cos it's fiction. So no turkish movies for me, and that is ok.

Of course that Baykal goes... Not always. He kinda never goes, but if he does... Then I think it would be nice if those freaking movies had subtitles. But no. I kinda believe it's a way to keep it in their inner circle. I can't blame them, but... I want to blame them.

Today I found out there is one of thsoe on Friday. Those news never come through me, cos I am uruguayan (thank god again for that). So Baykal is telling his friend that he is planing to go, but that he had asked the girl who organizes this to put subtitles onthe movie.

Ah yeah, I know you can tell I am kinda melting :)

posted by Paula at 4:59 AM


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I haven't written here in a while, so I feel kinda obligated to upload and update.

I am fighting some of my demons. Some of the outside circumstances makes that job easier.

I am just about to start doing my comprehensive exams. Maybe tomorrow is my start out date. I will have 6 weeks to answer 4 questions. Long papers each. And they should be chapters for my dissertation. GEE! I am already kinda writing my dissertation. Scary? Yes. But I also think it's do-able.

I do have the best bf in the world.

My trip to Europe was awesome. The pics are in a picazza album, but the links to them are in the section for pics in this blog.

And talking about pics... I realized that I only have 20 in this part of the blog. And I realized that someone stupid people is on it, so I should start putting something better. I won't go back to change anything... but it's never too late to improve the quality of image in here. After all, I m fighting those demons :)

posted by Paula at 10:42 PM


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