Last night was rough... but the weekend was good in general.

On Friday night Didem, Baykal, Berkay and me got together for drinks. We were going to go out, but we felt so comfortable the way things were, that we didn't need to go out and have to deal with all the young american undergrats that populate the street of Tempe. Yes, the other undergrats are annoying too... but not as much. Accept it!

Went to bed way too late and got up again way too early. 5 hours of sleep and I was taking care of Emma. I thought it was at night, but her mom came pick me up in the morning. My class has gotten me so confused about everything, that I dind't get that straight. I always enjoy being with Emma. She is so easy. And I m getting better at it.

But once I was done with that, instead of going home for a nap, Seonghee came to my place and we watch what is our shared shame: Dawson's creek. Yes, I hooked her up with it. She is helpless now.

Then, 4 episodes later, the pool. Didem and Baykal were there. And then later, also with them, some bbq. That was the lowest point of the weekend. People there was not friendly... they didn't even seem to be talking to each other, and when they did, 70% of the times was in turkish. Horrible! I got there, and I knew I had to run back... but couldn't.

I guess the worst consequence was that Baykal couldn't take my opinions on it. And yes, I do know no one likes to hear that his friends suck, but he didn't need to go where he went. He hurt me last night, and I won't forget about it...

So sunday has been boring... But safe.

And M called... sometime over the weekend, and also today. I was surprised. But of course he is a skillful player.

The rest is all the same. I teach tomorrow, and then on Friday, and I will be OVER with that. Nice!

posted by Paula at 3:03 AM


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Mmm, I have been tired to write in here...

Funny things have happened since last time I wrote. Maybe right now I don't quite remember them all, cos I have also been buried down work.

But I went to Méjico. I went to Puerto Peñasco. It was a lot of fun, and I owe the pics in the other section, but I think soon they will be there. I went there with 3 turks. I feel like when I am not discovering the korean inside me, I am discovering the turk. And the turk is stronger. It was Baykal, Hakan, Hakan and me. I was the only one speaking spanish, that made it funny too. And yes, I had to share my bed with Baykal, something that had made everyone speculate and laugh. NOTHING TO LAUGH ABOUT PEOPLE. We are just friends... almost relatives.

So I did have a good.. very good time, although the city was one of the shittiest, and the beach was not big deal. The "sea" was gorgeous, but the beach itself, not so much. Plus, an horde of sellers kept pushing us to buy something, and it didn't look safe to go swimming and leaving the stuff on the sand. Since the hotel (that was awesome) was right on the beach, these things were not such a big problem.

Then the class i am teaching... That is the reason why I don't write, do anything fun, or live anymore. If I am not teaching, I am preparing. I feel I am married with Hannah (the co-instructor), and we work even in our dreams. But that is not the worse. The students not only are dumb, but they are also rude. They are a royal pain in the ass. They think they know everything, and they can't solve a simple (VERY SIMPLE) elementary school math problem. Yet, they act like they know better than us, and have given us a VERY hard time. It is finally under control, but it is also finally about to be over. Maybe someday I will give examples, and I will probably gonna laugh... specially at their lack of skills, but right now... they managed to drain all of our energy.

Other than that... M is still giving me a hard time. Somethings that have happened made me pull apart naturally, and I was happy about it. But then I realize it was not a "meaningful" pulling apart. So if he is not there, I still miss him... sometimes. I am not sure what it's going to happen... I am never sure.

I feel I am not going to make any sense anymore about this, so I better cut this here, and try to come up with something tomorrow.

posted by Paula at 11:56 PM


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If name another post "Again", I will really have to take english lessons or sth... cos I don't wanna accept I am running out of titles or originality.

This time he kept his word, that is a change. I think he will.. for a while. What he wants in return.. that could ultimately give me some other benefits.... I am not sure if i want to go through though. I think it's too much, and I need to draw a line. And it doesn't matter how much the benefits could be enjoyable, I am not sure they are worth the trouble.

Then again... there are times... It doesn't really seem like he is asking me to do something I haven't already thought about. Plus, something tells me he is feeling so comfortable with me... to the point where he would be asking from himself more than he is asking for me. He seems, at least, pretty fair.

I don't really want to extend myself on this... Oh, yeah, I should say that I have red marks on neck, back, and hips. That sounds worse than what it is. Or maybe not. It's hard to tell.

But then Baykal is all psycho on me. On top of that, I can't tell him what is on my mind. He will be so disappointed... It's like I replaced my mom with Baykal. How sick is that? So... one more mistake, I just showed him those last 2 sentences... I am sabotaging myself. Whatever!

I think I need to go to bed. I am dizzy... more than the other night when we went out. I am dizzy and tired. I think at least I should stop typing. Goodnight.

posted by Paula at 2:15 AM


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I wasn't expecting Baykal lecturing me. Neither was I expecting that warm welcome or "glad to see you again" hug, but that is another story. Looks like I will have a couple to tell about him.

Funny first? Not, last, so I finish with a smile.

Lecture first. We went to dinner. Joked around. Talk about dance classes, trip to mexico, his new job, his last trip up north, we listened to music and watched videos... we even had ice cream. And then, in the middle of the ice cream, he got serious and asked me how I was doing. I said fine, and looked more surprised than I was. Like I didn't know why he was asking. Like I was totally over the melt down last week, when I started crying non stop while talking to him.

But then he asked a question I wish he wouldn't have. He asked me if I did what I said I was going to do last Tuesday. I had said that if I didn't hear of M by Tuesday, I was never gonna talk to him again. He called on Monday. And I know this all sounds funny, but I made the rule hoping I didn't have to break it. And I didn't.

I had to explain that to Baykal, and then the lecture came. Gosh, that made me feel bad. I am ok now, cos this... this is the poison I chose, so it will be hard to make me feel totally bad about it... after all, I chose it, right? But he was so serious. He was stopping to look for the right words. He was too serious. I think this surprise me the most, cos our serious conversations happen over msn, so this, face to face... really threw me off.

I will remember this, but let's go to the fun part. Fun, embarrassing, or uncomfortable.

We are all going to Mexico. We are going for a weekend. We are Baykal, Didem, me and another turk. yes, I'll be minority, but we are going to Mexico, so somehow... they will be minority. Didem is preparing the trip, and she told Baykal about accommodations. He very serious told me: "If you choose to go, this is how it's going to be..." I only know him closely. Didem and I are "new friends", so I see why Baykal takes this job to tell me how things will be so seriously. But allow me to go on.

"We are gonna be getting a room, with 2 queen beds." And I think, no problem, I can sleep with Didem. It's not big deal. I know I don't know her much, but it is ok, it's all about saving, so fine by me. Before I get to say something, he keeps going: "Didem will sleep with her boyfriend..." OMG! Of course, the other turk, the one I have never seen, it's Didem's bf, and of course they are going to sleep together! They barely see each other since he is studying in CA. And of course of all that means I am sharing a bed with... yes, with him.

I can imagine how much some people is gonna laugh to that. I said yes to the arrangements. I don't wanna be from pre-history, and it's not big deal really. I have shared big beds before, and it seems like you are sleeping alone anyway. But it is funny, and I know I will laugh more... or maybe just blush.

PS, can't wait till M finds out. We'll see what happens.

posted by Paula at 1:34 AM


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Today was a good day, and there were some thing I should have mention in my last post, that made a huge part of my day, but I left out. Somehow they didn't "fit". They were common places. Common places like those that keep me happy today. I think common things, as much as I hate to say it, make us happy.

So let's start on Friday night.

My friend Seonghee (who will be SH from now on, since I am lazy, and that is a freaking long complicated name), was moving. She was moving and of course I was going to help. She didn't have many people to help her, but she didn't have many things to move anyway. She also had to move at night... some other complications that are not worth mentioning.

her old apt was on the 2nd floor, which is the 1st in Uruguay, and she moved to one in the first floor. It was tiresome... the stairs, the up and down, the uncomfortable carry on of the furniture. And it was just 4 of us, 2 guys and 2 girls. But we got it done, and I was happy about that. Then it happened.

It turned out that even when SH moved out cos she wants to live alone, she is having a roommate for another 2 months. More stuff not worth mentioning, and she is stuck with another korean girls, that we also know, but that is not in our program. The bad news: we had to help her too.

It's not like we HAD to, but otherwise it was gonna be just SH and her new roommate, since this other woman didn't any help from anyone. So we got there, and man, she had like a million boxes, another ton of furniture, and she also lived in the 2nd floor. On top of that, she hadn't finished packing, so she was doing that, when the rest of us were mad as we carried her stuff through the stairs.

The only reason I didn't leave: SH. She was stuck, and the work was going to be even worse for them if anyone left.

We finally finished, and we went for dinner. It was about 2 am, and at least I got some colorful drink that made me really happy for a while. I don't think I have had such a great night of sleep in a long time, that I can thank them for too.

The next day we went all together for lunch... a "thanks for your help" lunch. We went to a korean bbq, and I liked it... just like I liked it the last time... Maybe the NY place was better though. From there to Starbucks, and then to see Sex and the City, the movie.

I loved it. It kept up with the series. I thought it was very smart, and if you knew the characters like I did, it was even touching. I totally recommend it.

Then today has been just a slow normal day. The plumber came and fix what he had to. I came to school and prepare tomorrow's class faster than expected. Now I am either waiting for Baykal or to go to the gym. I worry that I may not get tickets to see The Cure though, but I'll deal with it later, when I have to.

For now... I finally updated the blog.

M? M is there. Trying to be nice in his very weird way. And I am trying to pretend I believe him...

posted by Paula at 8:42 PM


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When was last time I came here? It doesn't matter. In between things happened to make me happy, and then sad again. This is a circle, so I am again where I was.

He came. He left. He pulled away. And then finally, when I pulled away myself, he called and was angry at my behavior.... that was nothing but a mirror of himself.

Could things get worse? Yes.

More info. Same way I always get my problems: my constant search of more information. What did I find this time? I can't even say it. I am still hoping it is not true. I am still trying to convince myself that I am missing pieces of the puzzle, and that is why it looks so bad.

At least it only involves him. Amazing. Time will tell... or not.

I had a busy week. The weekend wasn't that bad. But none of the things I wanted happened. Today, I feel lonely and with no direction... again. Such a shitty feeling. And here I am... again!

posted by Paula at 6:32 PM


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