For Kyle, Chriss and Hayley, who are coming to visit me today.

posted by Paula at 8:23 PM


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posted by Paula at 3:17 AM


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Yesterday's post

I feel like I can think again and there is no cloud in my forehead. Cos that is the best description of how I felt. I don't know why I let everything stressed me so much. I am afraid it was not just school, but of course I had to blame it and only it.

So school is technically over. I will be "graduating" on Friday. Actually, I will "walk" (it feels like I'll be modeling... we all know that is not an option with this 5' 1" woman). I'll be graduating for real in june, after I wrwite 3 papers on 3 subjects I chose. I could have started them months ago... But man, did I have that option for real?

Carolyn is here, and it has been nice. It doesn't matter how you meet your friends. One of my best friens was one of my ex's best friend. I don't think they are as close anymore... not as close I am with my friend. And if I stole him, good for me! And yes, this other friend is the mother of my other ex. What better can you get from a major waste of time relationship, than a good good friend? Yes, I guess me coming to US is also related to that man, but oh well, I would have probably done it even without meeting him ever, just cos I am the way I am.

I have been left alone. That is good and bad. I miss the attention, as the other post said, but then... peace is always nice.

And yet I might still be going crazy.

The other night I woke up at 1:30 am by the sounds of laughters. No, not children's laughter. Nothing like that. Young drunk men laughters! I was so confused. They were in the building in front of mine, but they were so loud, it seemed they were in my balcony. They were jumping and yelling. The place had been empty ever since I came, so I thought they were celebrating the moving. The strange thing is... I haven't seen lights there again. Don't ask please. I know what I heard and what woke me up. I treasure my sleep, so.... I remember!
Yes, something happened today that changed my mood :-D Today was one of those days.... when we choose to believe an obvious lie and make ourselves happy.

Today's post

My nails look great. Yeah, the 20 of them! :-P

Today was one of those days.... that you later feel guilty of.

Got up and went to have breakfast at Mimi's, which is (no doubt about it) the best place for that matter. Then, I got my wax treatment going. Yeah, not nice, pain pain pain.... The other vietnamee girl that did it before for me told me "no pian, no gain". I think she might have sth going on there. Then the mall. The mall is always nice, you know? A frozen Mint Chocolate Bomb, and anyone is good to go. And we did. We went to get our nails done. Pedicure and manicure. So I have red nails. Of course it had to be red! What is my favourtie color man?! Ren and 2 shinny white flowers. Then, this mexican place, supposedly for dinner, but our hidden reason: margaritas.

And that takes me to the other short part of the story. A regular margarita for Carolyn, and a frozen raspeberry margarita for me. Both of them HUGE. I got happy and sleepy. My guess is Carolyn did to: she drive with her huge blue car over the thing dividing the lanes, you know, this thing you get to stand on when you are crossing. She didn't see it till she was on top of it, literally!!! Funny!!! If you don't do that with those big cars, then when are you gonna do it?

Yes, I am very excited about the graduation ceremony tomorrow. I still don't have anyone to take my pics. I think I might end up asking Jeff (Judy's husband). I got my stole of gratutude ready for my adviser... I love him.

And yes, after this vacation... I need to start a diet on Monday, and I will also start using the gym at the complex where I live. I have wanted to, but never have time. Not only I will have the time now, but I will also have a good reason for it :-P

If I get it right tomorrow, expect pics soon.

posted by Paula at 2:46 AM


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I finally talked to Dan. He said the things that I thought were going to convince me to stay. And they did, but just for a while.

He said he is not going anywhere, and even if he does, he is also taking me and Meg. That he wanted to be my mentor from before, and that is going to be such a pleasure to do it now. That he "would love me to stay", and that I add so much to his project.

He wins nothing with me staying than what he says, so I have to believe him.

We also talked about Flores' new job, and how things could be like there. I am a little concern for him. Of course that Dan might be exaggerating it so to make me think twice about leaving. Same things Flores might be doing but so this time I leave with him.

Then I talked to friends, and they pretty much tell me to leave. That no one is going to take such a good care of me as Flores would. That I'll be close to NY and Philadelphia, and that I will love it in there. Something I have thought about too, and that I agree.

But the school is better here. And I can see Dan and Sloan (my future bosses here) are going in the direction our president wants ASU to go, and that might put us even higher than we are now. And the College of Education is in a good spot.

All and all... I think I might take the chance to stay for a year and see if I miss Flores too much. If what he offers there is good enough to match what I have created for myself here. I think that is the smartest choice: I'll be staying but without closing the door to Delaware. And I have a year to think about it, and I could even visit and see with my own eyes what it's like out there. I also can't fuck around with my visa right now. I want the transition from LASPAU to ASU to be as smooth as possible, so for that it might be better to just stay.

Other than that....

I think Matthew is a sadist.

Brian is nice, but I better keep him away.

Sean is crazy and I feel sorry about him, but at the same time he is so much fun to be around when I don't think how fucked up he is....

Oh my!

Maybe Newark - Delaware is not such a bad option.

posted by Paula at 2:03 AM


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So..

I went to talk to my adviser yesterday. He told me that if I go and things don't work out, I can always come back to ASU since I can "delay" my entrance in the PhD program (for what I am already accepted) one year. The thing is even when I'll be accepted to the program, I'll probably won't have the funding, so I am not sure that is really an option.

He also said that I could stay here for a year, and if things don't work out without him for me, then I can meet him in Delaware.

It's a fact he wants to take me with him. He told me he will even take care of my moving. If by any chance the University of Delaware don't take care of me as they have already said, he will hire me as his assistant, and he will pay for my tuition too.

All that is awesome. I feel honored and flattered. I still don't know what to do.

I'll meet Dan for coffee on Sat. I also want to discuss it with him, since he is the one who will be taking care of me next year in case I stay, and he is (as it is now) my boss for next year.

My adviser tryed to "warned" me about 2 things.

He said that Dan and Sloan (the 2 good guys I like and that will be my bosses next year) might be leaving too. He said that they will get offers and ASU won't do anything to retain them, so they will end up leaving.

I think they have this 5 year old project, so they are going no where for a while.

He also said that he is afraid that if I stay, the people I'll be working with might not support me in the kind of theses I will want to do, like... I won't be able to do what I want.

I don't know about that. These people is great, I don't see them telling me what to do, and in the end... I don't think they can. But the truth is, I don't think there will even be a need for them to do that, since over time I feel closer to their work, and I am very interested into it.

So all and all... I know he wants the best for me, but he definitely thinks the best is leaving with him for Delaware. And he is trying to convince me, maybe magnifying things that aren't really a problem.

The rest in my life is pretty much the same.

I saw Sean last night. He is so nice but so screws up. Damn, he even told me in a year or year and a half he'll be ready to get married. And I was like "you better start searching for a bride". I like him a lot, but he is so not what I want for my life and future. And all that not even considering the other event in my life.

Thank god he is leaving for Chicago for the weekend, so I won't have to deal with him for a few days. Cos he emails me and txt's me non stop. And I need more time.

Supposedly I have a date with Matthew tomorrow. He has been a sweet heart. But I still think there is sth more in there. Yes, I still think he is kinda freaky, and I am a little scared... Of course that won't stop me.

Social Justice paper is done. I am proud. It turned out really well, and I know Dan has loved what he read, he said that the intro was VERY good, while he opened his eyes like there was so much to see that he needed eyes twice as big :-)

posted by Paula at 12:08 AM


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Oh My God!

Why me?!

I have been clear along these past 2 years that I love my adviser. That he is no doubt about it, the best thing that happened to me since I came to AZ. That the many different things that I have achieve, in one way or another, I owe them to him.

He took me for the PhD program, and everybody was amazed at hoe lucky I was, cos he has many students, but right from the beginning, he said "I'll be your adviser for the doctorate program". So under his arm I have grown so much....

He is leaving now. He tells me that he is leaving to Delaware, and my eyes fills with tears.

Then he tells me sth more: he wants to take me with me. He had made negotiations for himself with this school, but for me too. He has it all ready... if I want to take it.

What the hell do I want?

I don't know. I just don't!

I love him.

I love my other professor, the one that offered me a position with him for 5 years if I want it.

I have gotten to meet people that I truly like a lot.

I know where I am. I know the place, I learned to like it... What am I gonna do please tell me what am I gonna do?!

posted by Paula at 12:22 AM


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The Air show was awesome. They didn't play Playground Love, but still. It was really relaxing and laid back. I didn't expect any less. There was just me and a bunch of weirdos ;-) Everybody wearing black... but me, I was in red ;-)

The date? It went well. M seems to be very nice, caring, and bla bla bla so...... Something is wrong here.

He is so controlled it's scary. Yes, he kinda scares me a little bit. And of course that has been kinda attractive, but... I don't know. Even the tone of his voice is always the same. Sometimes he sounds like a robot to me.

But of course, I have been surrounded by freaks so much, that I might not be able to actually recognize someone who is normal. But then again....

I don't know. There is something about the words he uses... His speech is kinda weird... very very very controlling.

Sean freaked out completely. I don't know what to do. I can be so strong when it comes to take pain. But if I think I am inflicting it... I break. He (of course) has been so sweet after the freak out episode. Sounds like I have all the time in the world to realize he will be there for me and bla bla bla.

God, if a 37 year old man tells you that, you shouldn't have to doubt it like I have to.

School is killing me, and to answer Ana's question, school will be over in week and a half. Killing me killing me killing me.

And so just for the fun of it, here's a pic with M.
Did I even mention here that my future roommate is a guy from Turkey? Well, that is the news. We found a place.... I don't like the zone, but I will have to get over it.

I guess I can't really end this post without saying that today was the second round in the racism conversation at class. As I promised, I wore my "Che" Guevara shirt.

This time the conversation was way better. We could actually have a real discussion. I can see how some white people just don't get it, as the professor told me. And I also saw 3 women shutting themselves down so not to hear what we all had to say. It was so uncomfortable: grown up women acting like teenagers. They think it's better to silence their students and oppress their culture than try and have a discussion. "There are cans of worms you don't wanna open" one said.

Someone also made a comment about Hitler, and I though it was so freaking appropriate to make a parallelism with Bush. It was so fucking funny to see some of the jump in their chairs!!!! And it was refreshing to see others agree with me. I keep forgetting I am in a very conservative state. I don't care, I don't think I'll shut up even if I'd remember :-P

posted by Paula at 2:09 AM


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